Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A dose of funnies

Every now and then someone, usually my sister-in-law and she it was this time, e-mails me some irresistible funnies.  These were, allegedly, sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow, but probably weren't really.   I think 18 might be my favourite, or perhaps 24.


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive..

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

19. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

24. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

26. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

27. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

12 comments:

Zhoen said...

I like 24 best as well. Heheh.

Rouchswalwe said...

#26 had me in stiches, until the other nine were needed.

HKatz said...

Ha! #24 is great; I also like #22 and #16.

(Word verification for this comment is 'viasmas' which sounds like a medical condition.)

christopher said...

I noticed both your faves were somewhat dark and smelly. Hmmm. I admit that more than one of these had me make noises and snorts.

Anne said...

Well, I've been having some knee trouble lately, so I liked #6 the best. I wish mine would disappear.

zephyr said...

Laughter always is the best medicine!

the polish chick said...

it's not often that i actually laugh out loud whilst reading but this morning i did. thank you!

and i must concur - when my husband faints, his eyes do indeed roll around the room. so hard to clean the lint off after, you have no idea!

Avus said...

Great Stuff, Lucy! My "favourite" (?) was 17 - the mind boggles and the eyes would definitely water!

The Crow said...

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I so needed to laugh this morning - these are wonderful!

Crafty Green Poet said...

oh I laughed all the way through reading those! Excellent!

Barrett Bonden said...

There's a nice fantasy to be achieved by imagining most of these things happening to the same female patient. I laugh, but wryly. I made a living out of correcting this sort of stuff but often I was in despair. In some respects being careless about language is as bad as being careless with a car. I apologise for raining on what is otherwise a good-humoured parade.

J. said...

Oh thank you for that!
An early morning chuckle did methe world of good