tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post111279903243333736..comments2023-10-31T15:39:09.651+01:00Comments on box elder: Sitting with, and not taking it personally.Lucyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-53177863255787400832007-06-27T07:49:00.000+02:002007-06-27T07:49:00.000+02:00It's usually about them, is it not? I think you ar...It's usually about them, is it not? I think you are right to 'take time' to sit...good counsel to yourself L.herhimnbrynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01182397064631016552noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-21334221621915971272007-06-26T07:40:00.000+02:002007-06-26T07:40:00.000+02:00Hello Leslee! thanks for the interesting angle, wh...Hello Leslee! thanks for the interesting angle, which I agree with too! as I say, sitting with is not sitting on, forgiving is not necessarily forgetting and I'm not sure it should be letting people get away with the unacceptable either...I think perhaps people who've grown up with healthier, fairer ways of communicating are less likely to be reactive, to be carrying around a lot of unresolved resentment, which is likely to make them go off at half-cock.<BR/>Jean - ohhh! Hope things are better, please be kind to yourself1<BR/>Richard - yes that cleverbugger fausse intuition is a dangerous thing isn't it! Part of my problem is thinking I'm so bloody psychologically smart and intuitive (from too much reading, rather than writing...) that I can divine what people are thinking, then I react accordingly. Sometimes with hindsight I'm fairly convinced I was actually right, sometimes I see something I didn't see before. But it is important to give myself time for hindsight! You're welcome for the link ( I think it was a comment chat between you and Winston?)Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-77827419079788577832007-06-26T05:52:00.000+02:002007-06-26T05:52:00.000+02:00For me, not being aggrieved at people involves unl...For me, not being aggrieved at people involves unlearning another bad habit, that of interpreting them. I always think I understand what they really mean, what they're really saying under those polite surfaces. It works in fiction but not in real life. It's taken me a long time to dare to take people at face value. It's quite refreshing.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the link, Lucy!Richard Lawrence Cohenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01951947957345891398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-79556577896873619602007-06-25T13:38:00.000+02:002007-06-25T13:38:00.000+02:00In case anyone has the wrong idea, I spent most of...In case anyone has the wrong idea, I spent most of yesterday painfully failing to take my own sage advice! But I'll keep on trying...Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08690685768980280402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-30622216964055442642007-06-24T19:42:00.000+02:002007-06-24T19:42:00.000+02:00Very interesting post. I feel like I've had to alm...Very interesting post. I feel like I've had to almost learn to be aggrieved - in that in growing up I learned to excuse hurtful behavior and be more understanding about it than warranted. Objecting to it never worked as they simply affirmed their right to say and do as they pleased regardless. I didn't realize I needn't be loyal to and compassionate with people like that! Not that I want to replace being a doormat with being aggrieved, but learning not to ignore the hurt but sit with it, honor it, decide to speak up if need be (sometimes people do need to realize they've been hurtful and will change their behavior) or to distance myself from the incorrigibly hurtful. I still cut my friends a lot of slack and generally get it from them in return. Good friendship is like that, recognizing that intentions were good and slights not personal. But sometimes the compassionate thing means speaking up or refusing to accept hurtful behavior.lesleehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09127872882510411387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-58008810485218869242007-06-23T07:07:00.000+02:002007-06-23T07:07:00.000+02:00Jean usually does, Zhoen, and so do you!Jean usually does, Zhoen, and so do you!Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-87645684748453438682007-06-23T03:08:00.000+02:002007-06-23T03:08:00.000+02:00Jean's got it perfect. Not taking it personally ...Jean's got it perfect. Not taking it personally is perhaps not the best phrase. Just know, other's behaviour is not all about you. Mostly, it's about them.Zhoenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03515663141425057088noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-85865382921152675172007-06-22T18:56:00.000+02:002007-06-22T18:56:00.000+02:00Thank you both.Stitchwort, you are full of surpris...Thank you both.<BR/>Stitchwort, you are full of surprises! Jan, would I could always keep to even the amount od sense I talk!Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-81398202100206377662007-06-22T18:41:00.000+02:002007-06-22T18:41:00.000+02:00LUcy: This is an amazing Post and you talk a lot o...LUcy: <BR/>This is an amazing Post and you talk a lot of wonderful sense.<BR/>Feeling "raw" is horrible, but it passes usually and we then appreciate other stuff doubly..<BR/>I must read your post again because there was so much to imbibe.Janhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08627338108089464863noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-4226666536284125402007-06-22T10:30:00.000+02:002007-06-22T10:30:00.000+02:00"some people seem simply to come in with more bagg..."some people seem simply to come in with more baggage" - is a classic description of karma, in the correct sense of "every action has an equal and opposite reaction"(NOT just the "luck" meaning that most assign to it). And truly it is up to us to deal with it; nobody else can.<BR/><BR/>Spinning is a wonderful activity for working meditation, as Gandhi knew.stitchworthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04827825336666824765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-3154609100903329292007-06-21T17:57:00.000+02:002007-06-21T17:57:00.000+02:00ah marly! So he is still in your employ, then!ah marly! So he is still in your employ, then!Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-49224181627169759832007-06-21T17:56:00.000+02:002007-06-21T17:56:00.000+02:00Meggie - thank you. the red flowers are lychnis, ...Meggie - thank you. the red flowers are lychnis, are they the same as lambs' lugs? they do have silvery fuzzy leaves. The yellow one may be hawksbit, a taller dandelion type thing, also has a clock seedhead. the first is a garden escape, the second a weed/wildflower, they are rompsing away quite happily on a rough piece of ground up the road.<BR/>Jean and Tall Girl, thanks so much for such considered responses, you are both among the people I would say influence me to the good in these regards. The finding the space to choose how to react is crucial, and not always easy to remember to do particularly if the situation is confronting you immediately in the flesh. On one of these occasions I told myself to sit with it for a certain time, not to involve Tom immediately because he might react negatively to my distress and anger, and anyway his happy and cheerful mood at that moment was balm to me anyway and I didn't want to lose that, and if it was still getting to me by later in the day to give myself permission to go and sound off to a friend down the road who has previously offered to lend an ear rather than have me react angrily at the person concerned. As it was, I didn't need to, as the dust settled, I saw that quite possibly what I had taken in a friend as muscling in motivated by jealousy was probably really no more than genuinely trying to be helpful, and if it wasn't that simply wasn't my problem. (thank goodness for e-mail as communication over phone calls, they do give you time to think over your response!)<BR/>I don't want to become a thick-skinned person, it is better to allow oneself to feel than not to, and I'm sure sensitivity can be turned to the good. The attachment to grievance really has got better with maturity and an attempt at greater self-awareness ( another possible post, self-consciousness vs. self-awareness?), I had it from my mother I'm afraid, whether inherited or learned I don't know, along with many good things, naturally!Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-328287832805727762007-06-21T15:02:00.000+02:002007-06-21T15:02:00.000+02:00Lucy, I think it is very interesting that you aske...Lucy, I think it is very interesting that you asked after Mack the footman. Because he has a quite different manner of (man)handling these things!Marly Youmanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02377938366750387442noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-81465715514298676642007-06-21T14:56:00.000+02:002007-06-21T14:56:00.000+02:00Sorry for the horrible typos. And btw I love that ...Sorry for the horrible typos. And btw I love that photograph, those hot colours dancing!Fire Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13518190677399410354noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-56136612222419869432007-06-21T14:51:00.000+02:002007-06-21T14:51:00.000+02:00I share a lot of Jean's perspective here. As a the...I share a lot of Jean's perspective here. As a therapist one is always having to remember not to 'take it personally'as a way to manage whatever comes at one from clients. In a sense though, in life generally I wonder how else we are to take things than 'personally'. Communication is never impersonal and it affects us, sometimes deeply. Like Jean, though, I aim for a kind of observing and wondering attitude. 'Oh how interesting, I feel really hurt by that...' and then hope to have the space in wheich to make a choice about what I choose to do or say next.<BR/>The bit we really can't take too perconally are other people's projections. Hard to spot often though, and paradoxically they do sometimes illuminate an angle on ourselves we may not want to see but which may actually be true or 'personal' after all!Fire Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13518190677399410354noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-50371026175537265692007-06-21T13:55:00.000+02:002007-06-21T13:55:00.000+02:00As so often, you've made me think and feel a lot h...As so often, you've made me think and feel a lot here. <BR/><BR/>I think there is a distinction (or rather, perhaps, I hope there is a distinction, and I try to make one) between feeling things deeply and taking them personally. I've reflected on this a good deal, and tried to observe myself, what I can change and what I can't. I've also, being one of the Buddhistically inclined ones you refer to, drawn much from this philosophy that is of help. I guess what I now try to do (which doesn't mean I manage it very often, but even managing it occasionally makes a lot of difference) is not to feel things less - I think that would be a losing wicket; my skin is not going to get any thicker in this lifetime - but to observe my feelings and try to consciously decide what to do with them, and, if there's nothing useful, to just feel them and let them go, without rushing to react. It's not easy, but it does make a lot of difference, and it seems a feasible way that I can work with the personality I have, rather than wishing always to be different. <BR/><BR/>Your description of working on your fence reminded me of Ruth's recent post about cleaning floor-tiles, elsewhere in France, and I wondered if you had read it: http://tinyurl.com/23g6gvJeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08690685768980280402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-53962389971520102192007-06-21T11:47:00.000+02:002007-06-21T11:47:00.000+02:00A very insightful post. I have often been accused ...A very insightful post. I have often been accused of being too thin skinned...<BR/>The older I get, the less I "take it personally". It is a hard line to draw..<BR/>I love the dandelion amidst the lamb's lugs?<BR/>Or, am I mistaken??meggiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00061112627819270427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-26636337691304458752007-06-21T06:56:00.000+02:002007-06-21T06:56:00.000+02:00Hello, Isabelle,Oh, forgiving ain't the same as fo...Hello, Isabelle,<BR/>Oh, forgiving ain't the same as forgetting, no way!Lucyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09764296105901909328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37070024.post-19527689107451805592007-06-20T22:49:00.000+02:002007-06-20T22:49:00.000+02:00A really interesting post, and how nice to see som...A really interesting post, and how nice to see someone using the word "thenceforward" - so elegantly, too. I'm with your woman friend about some people remaining aggrieved. Mind you, I do remember one or two slights from a couple of people - but I don't think they know!Pam https://www.blogger.com/profile/12641269043817163165noreply@blogger.com